| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Beth M Date : 3/5/2002 4:19:16 PM |
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| Some postings for feedback, have been working by hand and not on the forum much, hope to catch up soon. There is much to read in the new issue too. Peace, Beth Childhood Interrogatory what is left when the object, mirror reflecting the self and world is like a murder given social license mother has power, time and place to destroy the fragile process of becoming negating, withholding and perverting love love and touch that bring a child to personhood surviving thirty years or more in terror forming perceptions, interpretations, thinking and emotion the butcher creating or squashing, damaging each moment child deeply implanted with swirling and mixing notions world within conflicting with the world without cries for validation answered with darkness, confusion and fear natural path stunted, stolen and converted while looming delicate love of object needed never failing, yet transformed into perversions thoughts, being, integrations of self and world lost to the amazing mothering undo a child slowly or with blunt impacts a child knows the wrongs and pain converting them into rights and love existence becoming alone in hiding still delicate need, protruding with grace surviving, but dying In the moment dying to life, love, trust, hope and self delicate instinct still blowing with the breeze |
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| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Jennine Date : 3/5/2002 7:04:41 PM |
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| Wow Beth, that's some painful stuff (probrably close to home for many) I especially found the lines Mother has power, time and place to destroy the fragile process of becomming Very powerful The only thing I'm not to sure of is the line natural path stunted, stolen and converted The word stunted works, but doesnt's carry the same power as the rest of the line (in my opinion, which seeing as I'm just new at this isn't saying much) Maybe you could try just taking out that one word. Anyway, I thought it was great just the way it is. |
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| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Carly Date : 3/5/2002 10:12:08 PM |
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| I at first thought it was a parallel on war. This poem is worth more discussion really. What happened to the fellas? I don't see them around. We'll have to see what they have say about this one. |
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| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Beth M Date : 3/6/2002 8:39:04 AM |
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| It really is like a war of and for your life. How to overcome the abuse how to save even a crumb of your soul while a helpless needy child in the hands of others. How many engage in such a war? How long until the zone is stable? Just more thoughts, Beth Stunted, stolen and converted, relates to how some is just stunted, some lost then the rest must be converted- the way a child converts pain into love because of the need. |
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| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Jennine Date : 3/6/2002 8:51:03 PM |
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| OK. Now that you explained it that way The line works for me. Unfortunatlly this is a war too many are forced to fight, and few survive without major battle scars. You express it well. | |
| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Beth M Date : 3/8/2002 6:00:22 PM |
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| Moving this up, because would like to see if anyone else would like to comment. It is a tough subject. Also I think I changed the title to A Call to Arms Thanks, Beth | |
| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Richard Date : 3/8/2002 8:07:12 PM |
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| Beth: You're going to hate me for my honesty, but this will be perceived by many as a "rant." Why? Because your method of conveyind the content is jagged, and sounds very much like one who is ranting. There are some powerful lines hidden. To start with, this needs to be cut down by at least half. There is way too much going on; things you can convey in at least half of this amount used. Your opening is stunted with that word "object" because that is way too broad, that's one of those poetic no-no's, similar to "thing" or "no words could describe." Your closing is abrupt and cliche. "Blowing in the breeze" is so overdone. These are two very significant aspects of a poem, opening line needs to clutch, closing needs to wow. Instead of writing about the emotions, and the endless examples, try being simple, try being imaginary, imagry will get you so far, always remember that. Simiplicity and clarity as well. What I meant by "jagged" is that the flow of this is not very smooth, there is a lot of excess that needs to go. I'm dying to rewrite this for you, but that I will not do. However, I will try my best to support my commentary. Childhood Interrogatory what is left when the object, mirror reflecting the self and world Opening with a question is the first sign of the "rantish" quality of this. Stick with statements, and images. is like a murder given social license mother has power, time and place to destroy the fragile process of becoming These 3 lines are in my opinion the strongest through out the poem. In all honesty, I'd lose the rest and build from these lines. negating, withholding and perverting love love and touch that bring a child to personhood surviving thirty years or more in terror forming perceptions, interpretations, thinking and emotion the butcher creating or squashing, damaging each moment child deeply implanted with swirling and mixing notions world within conflicting with the world without cries for validation answered with darkness, confusion and fear natural path stunted, stolen and converted while looming delicate love of object needed never failing, yet transformed into perversions thoughts, being, integrations of self and world lost to the amazing mothering undo a child slowly or with blunt impacts a child knows the wrongs and pain I think you should open the poem with this line above. Though stick with wrongs or pain, not both. converting them into rights and love existence becoming alone in hiding still delicate need, protruding with grace surviving, but dying In the moment dying to life, love, trust, hope and self delicate instinct still blowing with the breeze In all honesty, I'd go with the idea of the speaker being a child, experiencing this. I'm sorry for being so harsh, its only my opinion. A lot of this can go -- a lot. Looking forward to the revision. Remember simplicity, and imagery. If I have something less rantish, and less excessive, I could provide you with much more helpful comments. Richard |
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| Subject : Childhood Interrogatory Author : Beth M Date : 3/9/2002 11:36:17 AM |
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| Richard thanks, I'll look forward to working on this one. I have to remember To show not tell, Thanks for taking the time liked the feedback, Beth | |