Subject : Fissures (reworked) Author : Michael Date : 4/1/2002 10:09:32 PM

Fissures There's a place that can be touched by neither hand nor lips. Its presence is unrevealed by confession. Obscured by the camouflage of sophisticated arrogance. An immutable posture. I am a monolith of reason unyielding in self assurance. My match as yet unknown. Maintain a dignified distance for the warmth may be felt too long. Its comfort is disquieting.. I am endowed by a nature no tangible science can define. I seek merely to measure the depth of my being. Weep only in solitude for observers wish to connect. Isolation is my salvation. The sin of vulnerability betrays the brittleness of the mettle. My justifications deflect blame. Graciousness and civility enhance the mirror's image. A subtle monument to presumption. Wielding wit and humor once more I engage the world. Surely, you can feel the terror.

Subject : Fissures (reworked) Author : GregDate : 4/2/2002 10:56:43 PM

I like your poem and its rework... Really love the closing. Still, in my opinion, too many "of" comparisons. I have made some alterations below, hopefully they may stir in you some additional creativity. Very good effort. Fissures There's a place that can be touched by neither hand nor lips. Its presence is unrevealed by confession. Obscured by the camouflage that breeds a sophisticated arrogance, my immutable posture slouches forth. I am a monolith of reason unyielding in self assurance. My match as yet unknown. Maintain a dignified distance for my warmth conjures addiction. Its comfort is disquieting. I am endowed by a nature no tangible science can define. I seek merely to measure my inner being. Weep only in solitude where well-wishers cannot connect. Isolation is my salvation. The sin of vulnerability betrays the brittle mettle. My justifications deflect blame. Graciousness and civility enhance the mirror's image, a subtle monument to presumption. Wielding wit and humor once more I engage the world. Surely, you can feel the terror. You could also try conforming all the stanza's to three lines... Fissures There's a place that can be touched by neither hand nor slight of hand. Its presence is unrevealed by confession. Obscured by the camouflage that breeds a sophisticated arrogance, my immutable posture slouches forth. I am a monolith of reason unyielding in self assurance. My match as yet unknown. Maintain a dignified distance for my warmth conjures addiction. Its comfort is disquieting. I am endowed by a nature no tangible science can define. I seek merely to measure my inner being. Weep only in solitude where well-wishers cannot connect. Isolation is my salvation. The sin of vulnerability betrays the brittle mettle. My justifications deflect blame. Graciousness and civility enhance the mirror's image, a subtle monument to presumption. Wielding wit and humor once more, I engage the world. Surely, you can feel the terror.

Subject : Fissures (reworked) Author : CarlyDate : 4/3/2002 4:52:28 PM
The closing was good - I think the poem flows more smoothly now. I like the way 'immutable' replaced the word 'enviable'. Endowed by nature, rather than engaged. The poet is a deep thinker. Good job.

Subject : Fissures (reworked) Author : CarlyDate : 4/3/2002 4:53:03 PM
The closing was good - I think the poem flows more smoothly now. I like the way 'immutable' replaced the word 'enviable'. Endowed by nature, rather than engaged. The poet is a deep thinker. Good job.

Subject : Fissures (reworked) Author : Michael Date : 4/3/2002 6:59:28 PM
The original was all three line stanzas and I decided to break up the symmetry to enhance the effect of fissures in a smooth surface. Thanks for the feedback.